Chapter 3
III
58 min read · 11,594 words
III
“I looked at him, lost in astonishment. There he was before me, in
motley, as though he had absconded from a troupe of mimes,
enthusiastic, fabulous. His very existence was improbable,
inexplicable, and altogether bewildering. He was an insoluble problem.
It was inconceivable how he had existed, how he had succeeded in
getting so far, how he had managed to remain—why he did not instantly
disappear. ‘I went a little farther,’ he said, ‘then still a little
farther—till I had gone so far that I don’t know how I’ll ever get
back. Never mind. Plenty time. I can manage. You take Kurtz away
quick—quick—I tell you.’ The glamour of youth enveloped his
parti-coloured rags, his destitution, his loneliness, the essential
desolation of his futile wanderings. For months—for years—his life
hadn’t been worth a day’s purchase; and there he was gallantly,
thoughtlessly alive, to all appearances indestructible solely by the
virtue of his few years and of his unreflecting audacity. I was seduced
into something like admiration—like envy. Glamour urged him on, glamour
kept him unscathed. He surely wanted nothing from the wilderness but
space to breathe in and to push on through. His need was to exist, and
to move onwards at the greatest possible risk, and with a maximum of
privation. If the absolutely pure, uncalculating, unpractical spirit of
adventure had ever ruled a human being, it ruled this bepatched youth.
I almost envied him the possession of this modest and clear flame. It
seemed to have consumed all thought of self so completely, that even
while he was talking to you, you forgot that it was he—the man before
your eyes—who had gone through these things. I did not envy him his
devotion to Kurtz, though. He had not meditated over it. It came to
him, and he accepted it with a sort of eager fatalism. I must say that
to me it appeared about the most dangerous thing in every way he had
come upon so far.
“They had come together unavoidably, like two ships becalmed near each
other, and lay rubbing sides at last. I suppose Kurtz wanted an
audience, because on a certain occasion, when encamped in the forest,
they had talked all night, or more probably Kurtz had talked. ‘We
talked of everything,’ he said, quite transported at the recollection.
‘I forgot there was such a thing as sleep. The night did not seem to
last an hour. Everything! Everything!... Of love, too.’ ‘Ah, he talked
to you of love!’ I said, much amused. ‘It isn’t what you think,’ he
cried, almost passionately. ‘It was in general. He made me see
things—things.’
“He threw his arms up. We were on deck at the time, and the headman of
my wood-cutters, lounging near by, turned upon him his heavy and
glittering eyes. I looked around, and I don’t know why, but I assure
you that never, never before, did this land, this river, this jungle,
the very arch of this blazing sky, appear to me so hopeless and so
dark, so impenetrable to human thought, so pitiless to human weakness.
‘And, ever since, you have been with him, of course?’ I said.
“On the contrary. It appears their intercourse had been very much
broken by various causes. He had, as he informed me proudly, managed to
nurse Kurtz through two illnesses (he alluded to it as you would to
some risky feat), but as a rule Kurtz wandered alone, far in the depths
of the forest. ‘Very often coming to this station, I had to wait days
and days before he would turn up,’ he said. ‘Ah, it was worth waiting
for!—sometimes.’ ‘What was he doing? exploring or what?’ I asked. ‘Oh,
yes, of course’; he had discovered lots of villages, a lake, too—he did
not know exactly in what direction; it was dangerous to inquire too
much—but mostly his expeditions had been for ivory. ‘But he had no
goods to trade with by that time,’ I objected. ‘There’s a good lot of
cartridges left even yet,’ he answered, looking away. ‘To speak
plainly, he raided the country,’ I said. He nodded. ‘Not alone,
surely!’ He muttered something about the villages round that lake.
‘Kurtz got the tribe to follow him, did he?’ I suggested. He fidgeted a
little. ‘They adored him,’ he said. The tone of these words was so
extraordinary that I looked at him searchingly. It was curious to see
his mingled eagerness and reluctance to speak of Kurtz. The man filled
his life, occupied his thoughts, swayed his emotions. ‘What can you
expect?’ he burst out; ‘he came to them with thunder and lightning, you
know—and they had never seen anything like it—and very terrible. He
could be very terrible. You can’t judge Mr. Kurtz as you would an
ordinary man. No, no, no! Now—just to give you an idea—I don’t mind
telling you, he wanted to shoot me, too, one day—but I don’t judge
him.’ ‘Shoot you!’ I cried. ‘What for?’ ‘Well, I had a small lot of
ivory the chief of that village near my house gave me. You see I used
to shoot game for them. Well, he wanted it, and wouldn’t hear reason.
He declared he would shoot me unless I gave him the ivory and then
cleared out of the country, because he could do so, and had a fancy for
it, and there was nothing on earth to prevent him killing whom he jolly
well pleased. And it was true, too. I gave him the ivory. What did I
care! But I didn’t clear out. No, no. I couldn’t leave him. I had to be
careful, of course, till we got friendly again for a time. He had his
second illness then. Afterwards I had to keep out of the way; but I
didn’t mind. He was living for the most part in those villages on the
lake. When he came down to the river, sometimes he would take to me,
and sometimes it was better for me to be careful. This man suffered too
much. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn’t get away. When I had a
chance I begged him to try and leave while there was time; I offered to
go back with him. And he would say yes, and then he would remain; go
off on another ivory hunt; disappear for weeks; forget himself amongst
these people—forget himself—you know.’ ‘Why! he’s mad,’ I said. He
protested indignantly. Mr. Kurtz couldn’t be mad. If I had heard him
talk, only two days ago, I wouldn’t dare hint at such a thing.... I had
taken up my binoculars while we talked, and was looking at the shore,
sweeping the limit of the forest at each side and at the back of the
house. The consciousness of there being people in that bush, so silent,
so quiet—as silent and quiet as the ruined house on the hill—made me
uneasy. There was no sign on the face of nature of this amazing tale
that was not so much told as suggested to me in desolate exclamations,
completed by shrugs, in interrupted phrases, in hints ending in deep
sighs. The woods were unmoved, like a mask—heavy, like the closed door
of a prison—they looked with their air of hidden knowledge, of patient
expectation, of unapproachable silence. The Russian was explaining to
me that it was only lately that Mr. Kurtz had come down to the river,
bringing along with him all the fighting men of that lake tribe. He had
been absent for several months—getting himself adored, I suppose—and
had come down unexpectedly, with the intention to all appearance of
making a raid either across the river or down stream. Evidently the
appetite for more ivory had got the better of the—what shall I
say?—less material aspirations. However he had got much worse suddenly.
‘I heard he was lying helpless, and so I came up—took my chance,’ said
the Russian. ‘Oh, he is bad, very bad.’ I directed my glass to the
house. There were no signs of life, but there was the ruined roof, the
long mud wall peeping above the grass, with three little square
window-holes, no two of the same size; all this brought within reach of
my hand, as it were. And then I made a brusque movement, and one of the
remaining posts of that vanished fence leaped up in the field of my
glass. You remember I told you I had been struck at the distance by
certain attempts at ornamentation, rather remarkable in the ruinous
aspect of the place. Now I had suddenly a nearer view, and its first
result was to make me throw my head back as if before a blow. Then I
went carefully from post to post with my glass, and I saw my mistake.
These round knobs were not ornamental but symbolic; they were
expressive and puzzling, striking and disturbing—food for thought and
also for vultures if there had been any looking down from the sky; but
at all events for such ants as were industrious enough to ascend the
pole. They would have been even more impressive, those heads on the
stakes, if their faces had not been turned to the house. Only one, the
first I had made out, was facing my way. I was not so shocked as you
may think. The start back I had given was really nothing but a movement
of surprise. I had expected to see a knob of wood there, you know. I
returned deliberately to the first I had seen—and there it was, black,
dried, sunken, with closed eyelids—a head that seemed to sleep at the
top of that pole, and, with the shrunken dry lips showing a narrow
white line of the teeth, was smiling, too, smiling continuously at some
endless and jocose dream of that eternal slumber.
“I am not disclosing any trade secrets. In fact, the manager said
afterwards that Mr. Kurtz’s methods had ruined the district. I have no
opinion on that point, but I want you clearly to understand that there
was nothing exactly profitable in these heads being there. They only
showed that Mr. Kurtz lacked restraint in the gratification of his
various lusts, that there was something wanting in him—some small
matter which, when the pressing need arose, could not be found under
his magnificent eloquence. Whether he knew of this deficiency himself I
can’t say. I think the knowledge came to him at last—only at the very
last. But the wilderness had found him out early, and had taken on him
a terrible vengeance for the fantastic invasion. I think it had
whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, things of
which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great
solitude—and the whisper had proved irresistibly fascinating. It echoed
loudly within him because he was hollow at the core.... I put down the
glass, and the head that had appeared near enough to be spoken to
seemed at once to have leaped away from me into inaccessible distance.
“The admirer of Mr. Kurtz was a bit crestfallen. In a hurried,
indistinct voice he began to assure me he had not dared to take
these—say, symbols—down. He was not afraid of the natives; they would
not stir till Mr. Kurtz gave the word. His ascendancy was
extraordinary. The camps of these people surrounded the place, and the
chiefs came every day to see him. They would crawl.... ‘I don’t want to
know anything of the ceremonies used when approaching Mr. Kurtz,’ I
shouted. Curious, this feeling that came over me that such details
would be more intolerable than those heads drying on the stakes under
Mr. Kurtz’s windows. After all, that was only a savage sight, while I
seemed at one bound to have been transported into some lightless region
of subtle horrors, where pure, uncomplicated savagery was a positive
relief, being something that had a right to exist—obviously—in the
sunshine. The young man looked at me with surprise. I suppose it did
not occur to him that Mr. Kurtz was no idol of mine. He forgot I hadn’t
heard any of these splendid monologues on, what was it? on love,
justice, conduct of life—or what not. If it had come to crawling before
Mr. Kurtz, he crawled as much as the veriest savage of them all. I had
no idea of the conditions, he said: these heads were the heads of
rebels. I shocked him excessively by laughing. Rebels! What would be
the next definition I was to hear? There had been enemies, criminals,
workers—and these were rebels. Those rebellious heads looked very
subdued to me on their sticks. ‘You don’t know how such a life tries a
man like Kurtz,’ cried Kurtz’s last disciple. ‘Well, and you?’ I said.
‘I! I! I am a simple man. I have no great thoughts. I want nothing from
anybody. How can you compare me to...?’ His feelings were too much for
speech, and suddenly he broke down. ‘I don’t understand,’ he groaned.
‘I’ve been doing my best to keep him alive, and that’s enough. I had no
hand in all this. I have no abilities. There hasn’t been a drop of
medicine or a mouthful of invalid food for months here. He was
shamefully abandoned. A man like this, with such ideas. Shamefully!
Shamefully! I—I—haven’t slept for the last ten nights...’
“His voice lost itself in the calm of the evening. The long shadows of
the forest had slipped downhill while we talked, had gone far beyond
the ruined hovel, beyond the symbolic row of stakes. All this was in
the gloom, while we down there were yet in the sunshine, and the
stretch of the river abreast of the clearing glittered in a still and
dazzling splendour, with a murky and overshadowed bend above and below.
Not a living soul was seen on the shore. The bushes did not rustle.
“Suddenly round the corner of the house a group of men appeared, as
though they had come up from the ground. They waded waist-deep in the
grass, in a compact body, bearing an improvised stretcher in their
midst. Instantly, in the emptiness of the landscape, a cry arose whose
shrillness pierced the still air like a sharp arrow flying straight to
the very heart of the land; and, as if by enchantment, streams of human
beings—of naked human beings—with spears in their hands, with bows,
with shields, with wild glances and savage movements, were poured into
the clearing by the dark-faced and pensive forest. The bushes shook,
the grass swayed for a time, and then everything stood still in
attentive immobility.
“‘Now, if he does not say the right thing to them we are all done for,’
said the Russian at my elbow. The knot of men with the stretcher had
stopped, too, halfway to the steamer, as if petrified. I saw the man on
the stretcher sit up, lank and with an uplifted arm, above the
shoulders of the bearers. ‘Let us hope that the man who can talk so
well of love in general will find some particular reason to spare us
this time,’ I said. I resented bitterly the absurd danger of our
situation, as if to be at the mercy of that atrocious phantom had been
a dishonouring necessity. I could not hear a sound, but through my
glasses I saw the thin arm extended commandingly, the lower jaw moving,
the eyes of that apparition shining darkly far in its bony head that
nodded with grotesque jerks. Kurtz—Kurtz—that means short in
German—don’t it? Well, the name was as true as everything else in his
life—and death. He looked at least seven feet long. His covering had
fallen off, and his body emerged from it pitiful and appalling as from
a winding-sheet. I could see the cage of his ribs all astir, the bones
of his arm waving. It was as though an animated image of death carved
out of old ivory had been shaking its hand with menaces at a motionless
crowd of men made of dark and glittering bronze. I saw him open his
mouth wide—it gave him a weirdly voracious aspect, as though he had
wanted to swallow all the air, all the earth, all the men before him. A
deep voice reached me faintly. He must have been shouting. He fell back
suddenly. The stretcher shook as the bearers staggered forward again,
and almost at the same time I noticed that the crowd of savages was
vanishing without any perceptible movement of retreat, as if the forest
that had ejected these beings so suddenly had drawn them in again as
the breath is drawn in a long aspiration.
“Some of the pilgrims behind the stretcher carried his arms—two
shot-guns, a heavy rifle, and a light revolver-carbine—the thunderbolts
of that pitiful Jupiter. The manager bent over him murmuring as he
walked beside his head. They laid him down in one of the little
cabins—just a room for a bed place and a camp-stool or two, you know.
We had brought his belated correspondence, and a lot of torn envelopes
and open letters littered his bed. His hand roamed feebly amongst these
papers. I was struck by the fire of his eyes and the composed languor
of his expression. It was not so much the exhaustion of disease. He did
not seem in pain. This shadow looked satiated and calm, as though for
the moment it had had its fill of all the emotions.
“He rustled one of the letters, and looking straight in my face said,
‘I am glad.’ Somebody had been writing to him about me. These special
recommendations were turning up again. The volume of tone he emitted
without effort, almost without the trouble of moving his lips, amazed
me. A voice! a voice! It was grave, profound, vibrating, while the man
did not seem capable of a whisper. However, he had enough strength in
him—factitious no doubt—to very nearly make an end of us, as you shall
hear directly.
“The manager appeared silently in the doorway; I stepped out at once
and he drew the curtain after me. The Russian, eyed curiously by the
pilgrims, was staring at the shore. I followed the direction of his
glance.
“Dark human shapes could be made out in the distance, flitting
indistinctly against the gloomy border of the forest, and near the
river two bronze figures, leaning on tall spears, stood in the sunlight
under fantastic head-dresses of spotted skins, warlike and still in
statuesque repose. And from right to left along the lighted shore moved
a wild and gorgeous apparition of a woman.
“She walked with measured steps, draped in striped and fringed cloths,
treading the earth proudly, with a slight jingle and flash of barbarous
ornaments. She carried her head high; her hair was done in the shape of
a helmet; she had brass leggings to the knee, brass wire gauntlets to
the elbow, a crimson spot on her tawny cheek, innumerable necklaces of
glass beads on her neck; bizarre things, charms, gifts of witch-men,
that hung about her, glittered and trembled at every step. She must
have had the value of several elephant tusks upon her. She was savage
and superb, wild-eyed and magnificent; there was something ominous and
stately in her deliberate progress. And in the hush that had fallen
suddenly upon the whole sorrowful land, the immense wilderness, the
colossal body of the fecund and mysterious life seemed to look at her,
pensive, as though it had been looking at the image of its own
tenebrous and passionate soul.
“She came abreast of the steamer, stood still, and faced us. Her long
shadow fell to the water’s edge. Her face had a tragic and fierce
aspect of wild sorrow and of dumb pain mingled with the fear of some
struggling, half-shaped resolve. She stood looking at us without a
stir, and like the wilderness itself, with an air of brooding over an
inscrutable purpose. A whole minute passed, and then she made a step
forward. There was a low jingle, a glint of yellow metal, a sway of
fringed draperies, and she stopped as if her heart had failed her. The
young fellow by my side growled. The pilgrims murmured at my back. She
looked at us all as if her life had depended upon the unswerving
steadiness of her glance. Suddenly she opened her bared arms and threw
them up rigid above her head, as though in an uncontrollable desire to
touch the sky, and at the same time the swift shadows darted out on the
earth, swept around on the river, gathering the steamer into a shadowy
embrace. A formidable silence hung over the scene.
“She turned away slowly, walked on, following the bank, and passed into
the bushes to the left. Once only her eyes gleamed back at us in the
dusk of the thickets before she disappeared.
“‘If she had offered to come aboard I really think I would have tried
to shoot her,’ said the man of patches, nervously. ‘I have been risking
my life every day for the last fortnight to keep her out of the house.
She got in one day and kicked up a row about those miserable rags I
picked up in the storeroom to mend my clothes with. I wasn’t decent. At
least it must have been that, for she talked like a fury to Kurtz for
an hour, pointing at me now and then. I don’t understand the dialect of
this tribe. Luckily for me, I fancy Kurtz felt too ill that day to
care, or there would have been mischief. I don’t understand.... No—it’s
too much for me. Ah, well, it’s all over now.’
“At this moment I heard Kurtz’s deep voice behind the curtain: ‘Save
me!—save the ivory, you mean. Don’t tell me. Save _me!_ Why, I’ve had
to save you. You are interrupting my plans now. Sick! Sick! Not so sick
as you would like to believe. Never mind. I’ll carry my ideas out yet—I
will return. I’ll show you what can be done. You with your little
peddling notions—you are interfering with me. I will return. I....’
“The manager came out. He did me the honour to take me under the arm
and lead me aside. ‘He is very low, very low,’ he said. He considered
it necessary to sigh, but neglected to be consistently sorrowful. ‘We
have done all we could for him—haven’t we? But there is no disguising
the fact, Mr. Kurtz has done more harm than good to the Company. He did
not see the time was not ripe for vigorous action. Cautiously,
cautiously—that’s my principle. We must be cautious yet. The district
is closed to us for a time. Deplorable! Upon the whole, the trade will
suffer. I don’t deny there is a remarkable quantity of ivory—mostly
fossil. We must save it, at all events—but look how precarious the
position is—and why? Because the method is unsound.’ ‘Do you,’ said I,
looking at the shore, ‘call it “unsound method?”’ ‘Without doubt,’ he
exclaimed hotly. ‘Don’t you?’... ‘No method at all,’ I murmured after a
while. ‘Exactly,’ he exulted. ‘I anticipated this. Shows a complete
want of judgment. It is my duty to point it out in the proper quarter.’
‘Oh,’ said I, ‘that fellow—what’s his name?—the brickmaker, will make a
readable report for you.’ He appeared confounded for a moment. It
seemed to me I had never breathed an atmosphere so vile, and I turned
mentally to Kurtz for relief—positively for relief. ‘Nevertheless I
think Mr. Kurtz is a remarkable man,’ I said with emphasis. He started,
dropped on me a heavy glance, said very quietly, ‘he _was_,’ and turned
his back on me. My hour of favour was over; I found myself lumped along
with Kurtz as a partisan of methods for which the time was not ripe: I
was unsound! Ah! but it was something to have at least a choice of
nightmares.
“I had turned to the wilderness really, not to Mr. Kurtz, who, I was
ready to admit, was as good as buried. And for a moment it seemed to me
as if I also were buried in a vast grave full of unspeakable secrets. I
felt an intolerable weight oppressing my breast, the smell of the damp
earth, the unseen presence of victorious corruption, the darkness of an
impenetrable night.... The Russian tapped me on the shoulder. I heard
him mumbling and stammering something about ‘brother seaman—couldn’t
conceal—knowledge of matters that would affect Mr. Kurtz’s reputation.’
I waited. For him evidently Mr. Kurtz was not in his grave; I suspect
that for him Mr. Kurtz was one of the immortals. ‘Well!’ said I at
last, ‘speak out. As it happens, I am Mr. Kurtz’s friend—in a way.’
“He stated with a good deal of formality that had we not been ‘of the
same profession,’ he would have kept the matter to himself without
regard to consequences. ‘He suspected there was an active ill-will
towards him on the part of these white men that—’ ‘You are right,’ I
said, remembering a certain conversation I had overheard. ‘The manager
thinks you ought to be hanged.’ He showed a concern at this
intelligence which amused me at first. ‘I had better get out of the way
quietly,’ he said earnestly. ‘I can do no more for Kurtz now, and they
would soon find some excuse. What’s to stop them? There’s a military
post three hundred miles from here.’ ‘Well, upon my word,’ said I,
‘perhaps you had better go if you have any friends amongst the savages
near by.’ ‘Plenty,’ he said. ‘They are simple people—and I want
nothing, you know.’ He stood biting his lip, then: ‘I don’t want any
harm to happen to these whites here, but of course I was thinking of
Mr. Kurtz’s reputation—but you are a brother seaman and—’ ‘All right,’
said I, after a time. ‘Mr. Kurtz’s reputation is safe with me.’ I did
not know how truly I spoke.
“He informed me, lowering his voice, that it was Kurtz who had ordered
the attack to be made on the steamer. ‘He hated sometimes the idea of
being taken away—and then again.... But I don’t understand these
matters. I am a simple man. He thought it would scare you away—that you
would give it up, thinking him dead. I could not stop him. Oh, I had an
awful time of it this last month.’ ‘Very well,’ I said. ‘He is all
right now.’ ‘Ye-e-es,’ he muttered, not very convinced apparently.
‘Thanks,’ said I; ‘I shall keep my eyes open.’ ‘But quiet-eh?’ he urged
anxiously. ‘It would be awful for his reputation if anybody here—’ I
promised a complete discretion with great gravity. ‘I have a canoe and
three black fellows waiting not very far. I am off. Could you give me a
few Martini-Henry cartridges?’ I could, and did, with proper secrecy.
He helped himself, with a wink at me, to a handful of my tobacco.
‘Between sailors—you know—good English tobacco.’ At the door of the
pilot-house he turned round—‘I say, haven’t you a pair of shoes you
could spare?’ He raised one leg. ‘Look.’ The soles were tied with
knotted strings sandalwise under his bare feet. I rooted out an old
pair, at which he looked with admiration before tucking it under his
left arm. One of his pockets (bright red) was bulging with cartridges,
from the other (dark blue) peeped ‘Towson’s Inquiry,’ etc., etc. He
seemed to think himself excellently well equipped for a renewed
encounter with the wilderness. ‘Ah! I’ll never, never meet such a man
again. You ought to have heard him recite poetry—his own, too, it was,
he told me. Poetry!’ He rolled his eyes at the recollection of these
delights. ‘Oh, he enlarged my mind!’ ‘Good-bye,’ said I. He shook hands
and vanished in the night. Sometimes I ask myself whether I had ever
really seen him—whether it was possible to meet such a phenomenon!...
“When I woke up shortly after midnight his warning came to my mind with
its hint of danger that seemed, in the starred darkness, real enough to
make me get up for the purpose of having a look round. On the hill a
big fire burned, illuminating fitfully a crooked corner of the
station-house. One of the agents with a picket of a few of our blacks,
armed for the purpose, was keeping guard over the ivory; but deep
within the forest, red gleams that wavered, that seemed to sink and
rise from the ground amongst confused columnar shapes of intense
blackness, showed the exact position of the camp where Mr. Kurtz’s
adorers were keeping their uneasy vigil. The monotonous beating of a
big drum filled the air with muffled shocks and a lingering vibration.
A steady droning sound of many men chanting each to himself some weird
incantation came out from the black, flat wall of the woods as the
humming of bees comes out of a hive, and had a strange narcotic effect
upon my half-awake senses. I believe I dozed off leaning over the rail,
till an abrupt burst of yells, an overwhelming outbreak of a pent-up
and mysterious frenzy, woke me up in a bewildered wonder. It was cut
short all at once, and the low droning went on with an effect of
audible and soothing silence. I glanced casually into the little cabin.
A light was burning within, but Mr. Kurtz was not there.
“I think I would have raised an outcry if I had believed my eyes. But I
didn’t believe them at first—the thing seemed so impossible. The fact
is I was completely unnerved by a sheer blank fright, pure abstract
terror, unconnected with any distinct shape of physical danger. What
made this emotion so overpowering was—how shall I define it?—the moral
shock I received, as if something altogether monstrous, intolerable to
thought and odious to the soul, had been thrust upon me unexpectedly.
This lasted of course the merest fraction of a second, and then the
usual sense of commonplace, deadly danger, the possibility of a sudden
onslaught and massacre, or something of the kind, which I saw
impending, was positively welcome and composing. It pacified me, in
fact, so much that I did not raise an alarm.
“There was an agent buttoned up inside an ulster and sleeping on a
chair on deck within three feet of me. The yells had not awakened him;
he snored very slightly; I left him to his slumbers and leaped ashore.
I did not betray Mr. Kurtz—it was ordered I should never betray him—it
was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice. I was
anxious to deal with this shadow by myself alone—and to this day I
don’t know why I was so jealous of sharing with any one the peculiar
blackness of that experience.
“As soon as I got on the bank I saw a trail—a broad trail through the
grass. I remember the exultation with which I said to myself, ‘He can’t
walk—he is crawling on all-fours—I’ve got him.’ The grass was wet with
dew. I strode rapidly with clenched fists. I fancy I had some vague
notion of falling upon him and giving him a drubbing. I don’t know. I
had some imbecile thoughts. The knitting old woman with the cat
obtruded herself upon my memory as a most improper person to be sitting
at the other end of such an affair. I saw a row of pilgrims squirting
lead in the air out of Winchesters held to the hip. I thought I would
never get back to the steamer, and imagined myself living alone and
unarmed in the woods to an advanced age. Such silly things—you know.
And I remember I confounded the beat of the drum with the beating of my
heart, and was pleased at its calm regularity.
“I kept to the track though—then stopped to listen. The night was very
clear; a dark blue space, sparkling with dew and starlight, in which
black things stood very still. I thought I could see a kind of motion
ahead of me. I was strangely cocksure of everything that night. I
actually left the track and ran in a wide semicircle (I verily believe
chuckling to myself) so as to get in front of that stir, of that motion
I had seen—if indeed I had seen anything. I was circumventing Kurtz as
though it had been a boyish game.
“I came upon him, and, if he had not heard me coming, I would have
fallen over him, too, but he got up in time. He rose, unsteady, long,
pale, indistinct, like a vapour exhaled by the earth, and swayed
slightly, misty and silent before me; while at my back the fires loomed
between the trees, and the murmur of many voices issued from the
forest. I had cut him off cleverly; but when actually confronting him I
seemed to come to my senses, I saw the danger in its right proportion.
It was by no means over yet. Suppose he began to shout? Though he could
hardly stand, there was still plenty of vigour in his voice. ‘Go
away—hide yourself,’ he said, in that profound tone. It was very awful.
I glanced back. We were within thirty yards from the nearest fire. A
black figure stood up, strode on long black legs, waving long black
arms, across the glow. It had horns—antelope horns, I think—on its
head. Some sorcerer, some witch-man, no doubt: it looked fiendlike
enough. ‘Do you know what you are doing?’ I whispered. ‘Perfectly,’ he
answered, raising his voice for that single word: it sounded to me far
off and yet loud, like a hail through a speaking-trumpet. ‘If he makes
a row we are lost,’ I thought to myself. This clearly was not a case
for fisticuffs, even apart from the very natural aversion I had to beat
that Shadow—this wandering and tormented thing. ‘You will be lost,’ I
said—‘utterly lost.’ One gets sometimes such a flash of inspiration,
you know. I did say the right thing, though indeed he could not have
been more irretrievably lost than he was at this very moment, when the
foundations of our intimacy were being laid—to endure—to endure—even to
the end—even beyond.
“‘I had immense plans,’ he muttered irresolutely. ‘Yes,’ said I; ‘but
if you try to shout I’ll smash your head with—’ There was not a stick
or a stone near. ‘I will throttle you for good,’ I corrected myself. ‘I
was on the threshold of great things,’ he pleaded, in a voice of
longing, with a wistfulness of tone that made my blood run cold. ‘And
now for this stupid scoundrel—’ ‘Your success in Europe is assured in
any case,’ I affirmed steadily. I did not want to have the throttling
of him, you understand—and indeed it would have been very little use
for any practical purpose. I tried to break the spell—the heavy, mute
spell of the wilderness—that seemed to draw him to its pitiless breast
by the awakening of forgotten and brutal instincts, by the memory of
gratified and monstrous passions. This alone, I was convinced, had
driven him out to the edge of the forest, to the bush, towards the
gleam of fires, the throb of drums, the drone of weird incantations;
this alone had beguiled his unlawful soul beyond the bounds of
permitted aspirations. And, don’t you see, the terror of the position
was not in being knocked on the head—though I had a very lively sense
of that danger, too—but in this, that I had to deal with a being to
whom I could not appeal in the name of anything high or low. I had,
even like the niggers, to invoke him—himself—his own exalted and
incredible degradation. There was nothing either above or below him,
and I knew it. He had kicked himself loose of the earth. Confound the
man! he had kicked the very earth to pieces. He was alone, and I before
him did not know whether I stood on the ground or floated in the air.
I’ve been telling you what we said—repeating the phrases we
pronounced—but what’s the good? They were common everyday words—the
familiar, vague sounds exchanged on every waking day of life. But what
of that? They had behind them, to my mind, the terrific suggestiveness
of words heard in dreams, of phrases spoken in nightmares. Soul! If
anybody ever struggled with a soul, I am the man. And I wasn’t arguing
with a lunatic either. Believe me or not, his intelligence was
perfectly clear—concentrated, it is true, upon himself with horrible
intensity, yet clear; and therein was my only chance—barring, of
course, the killing him there and then, which wasn’t so good, on
account of unavoidable noise. But his soul was mad. Being alone in the
wilderness, it had looked within itself, and, by heavens! I tell you,
it had gone mad. I had—for my sins, I suppose—to go through the ordeal
of looking into it myself. No eloquence could have been so withering to
one’s belief in mankind as his final burst of sincerity. He struggled
with himself, too. I saw it—I heard it. I saw the inconceivable mystery
of a soul that knew no restraint, no faith, and no fear, yet struggling
blindly with itself. I kept my head pretty well; but when I had him at
last stretched on the couch, I wiped my forehead, while my legs shook
under me as though I had carried half a ton on my back down that hill.
And yet I had only supported him, his bony arm clasped round my
neck—and he was not much heavier than a child.
“When next day we left at noon, the crowd, of whose presence behind the
curtain of trees I had been acutely conscious all the time, flowed out
of the woods again, filled the clearing, covered the slope with a mass
of naked, breathing, quivering, bronze bodies. I steamed up a bit, then
swung down stream, and two thousand eyes followed the evolutions of the
splashing, thumping, fierce river-demon beating the water with its
terrible tail and breathing black smoke into the air. In front of the
first rank, along the river, three men, plastered with bright red earth
from head to foot, strutted to and fro restlessly. When we came abreast
again, they faced the river, stamped their feet, nodded their horned
heads, swayed their scarlet bodies; they shook towards the fierce
river-demon a bunch of black feathers, a mangy skin with a pendent
tail—something that looked a dried gourd; they shouted periodically
together strings of amazing words that resembled no sounds of human
language; and the deep murmurs of the crowd, interrupted suddenly, were
like the responses of some satanic litany.
“We had carried Kurtz into the pilot-house: there was more air there.
Lying on the couch, he stared through the open shutter. There was an
eddy in the mass of human bodies, and the woman with helmeted head and
tawny cheeks rushed out to the very brink of the stream. She put out
her hands, shouted something, and all that wild mob took up the shout
in a roaring chorus of articulated, rapid, breathless utterance.
“‘Do you understand this?’ I asked.
“He kept on looking out past me with fiery, longing eyes, with a
mingled expression of wistfulness and hate. He made no answer, but I
saw a smile, a smile of indefinable meaning, appear on his colourless
lips that a moment after twitched convulsively. ‘Do I not?’ he said
slowly, gasping, as if the words had been torn out of him by a
supernatural power.
“I pulled the string of the whistle, and I did this because I saw the
pilgrims on deck getting out their rifles with an air of anticipating a
jolly lark. At the sudden screech there was a movement of abject terror
through that wedged mass of bodies. ‘Don’t! don’t you frighten them
away,’ cried some one on deck disconsolately. I pulled the string time
after time. They broke and ran, they leaped, they crouched, they
swerved, they dodged the flying terror of the sound. The three red
chaps had fallen flat, face down on the shore, as though they had been
shot dead. Only the barbarous and superb woman did not so much as
flinch, and stretched tragically her bare arms after us over the sombre
and glittering river.
“And then that imbecile crowd down on the deck started their little
fun, and I could see nothing more for smoke.
“The brown current ran swiftly out of the heart of darkness, bearing us
down towards the sea with twice the speed of our upward progress; and
Kurtz’s life was running swiftly, too, ebbing, ebbing out of his heart
into the sea of inexorable time. The manager was very placid, he had no
vital anxieties now, he took us both in with a comprehensive and
satisfied glance: the ‘affair’ had come off as well as could be wished.
I saw the time approaching when I would be left alone of the party of
‘unsound method.’ The pilgrims looked upon me with disfavour. I was, so
to speak, numbered with the dead. It is strange how I accepted this
unforeseen partnership, this choice of nightmares forced upon me in the
tenebrous land invaded by these mean and greedy phantoms.
“Kurtz discoursed. A voice! a voice! It rang deep to the very last. It
survived his strength to hide in the magnificent folds of eloquence the
barren darkness of his heart. Oh, he struggled! he struggled! The
wastes of his weary brain were haunted by shadowy images now—images of
wealth and fame revolving obsequiously round his unextinguishable gift
of noble and lofty expression. My Intended, my station, my career, my
ideas—these were the subjects for the occasional utterances of elevated
sentiments. The shade of the original Kurtz frequented the bedside of
the hollow sham, whose fate it was to be buried presently in the mould
of primeval earth. But both the diabolic love and the unearthly hate of
the mysteries it had penetrated fought for the possession of that soul
satiated with primitive emotions, avid of lying fame, of sham
distinction, of all the appearances of success and power.
“Sometimes he was contemptibly childish. He desired to have kings meet
him at railway-stations on his return from some ghastly Nowhere, where
he intended to accomplish great things. ‘You show them you have in you
something that is really profitable, and then there will be no limits
to the recognition of your ability,’ he would say. ‘Of course you must
take care of the motives—right motives—always.’ The long reaches that
were like one and the same reach, monotonous bends that were exactly
alike, slipped past the steamer with their multitude of secular trees
looking patiently after this grimy fragment of another world, the
forerunner of change, of conquest, of trade, of massacres, of
blessings. I looked ahead—piloting. ‘Close the shutter,’ said Kurtz
suddenly one day; ‘I can’t bear to look at this.’ I did so. There was a
silence. ‘Oh, but I will wring your heart yet!’ he cried at the
invisible wilderness.
“We broke down—as I had expected—and had to lie up for repairs at the
head of an island. This delay was the first thing that shook Kurtz’s
confidence. One morning he gave me a packet of papers and a
photograph—the lot tied together with a shoe-string. ‘Keep this for
me,’ he said. ‘This noxious fool’ (meaning the manager) ‘is capable of
prying into my boxes when I am not looking.’ In the afternoon I saw
him. He was lying on his back with closed eyes, and I withdrew quietly,
but I heard him mutter, ‘Live rightly, die, die...’ I listened. There
was nothing more. Was he rehearsing some speech in his sleep, or was it
a fragment of a phrase from some newspaper article? He had been writing
for the papers and meant to do so again, ‘for the furthering of my
ideas. It’s a duty.’
“His was an impenetrable darkness. I looked at him as you peer down at
a man who is lying at the bottom of a precipice where the sun never
shines. But I had not much time to give him, because I was helping the
engine-driver to take to pieces the leaky cylinders, to straighten a
bent connecting-rod, and in other such matters. I lived in an infernal
mess of rust, filings, nuts, bolts, spanners, hammers,
ratchet-drills—things I abominate, because I don’t get on with them. I
tended the little forge we fortunately had aboard; I toiled wearily in
a wretched scrap-heap—unless I had the shakes too bad to stand.
“One evening coming in with a candle I was startled to hear him say a
little tremulously, ‘I am lying here in the dark waiting for death.’
The light was within a foot of his eyes. I forced myself to murmur,
‘Oh, nonsense!’ and stood over him as if transfixed.
“Anything approaching the change that came over his features I have
never seen before, and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasn’t touched. I
was fascinated. It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that
ivory face the expression of sombre pride, of ruthless power, of craven
terror—of an intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his life again
in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that
supreme moment of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at some
image, at some vision—he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a
breath:
“‘The horror! The horror!’
“I blew the candle out and left the cabin. The pilgrims were dining in
the mess-room, and I took my place opposite the manager, who lifted his
eyes to give me a questioning glance, which I successfully ignored. He
leaned back, serene, with that peculiar smile of his sealing the
unexpressed depths of his meanness. A continuous shower of small flies
streamed upon the lamp, upon the cloth, upon our hands and faces.
Suddenly the manager’s boy put his insolent black head in the doorway,
and said in a tone of scathing contempt:
“‘Mistah Kurtz—he dead.’
“All the pilgrims rushed out to see. I remained, and went on with my
dinner. I believe I was considered brutally callous. However, I did not
eat much. There was a lamp in there—light, don’t you know—and outside
it was so beastly, beastly dark. I went no more near the remarkable man
who had pronounced a judgment upon the adventures of his soul on this
earth. The voice was gone. What else had been there? But I am of course
aware that next day the pilgrims buried something in a muddy hole.
“And then they very nearly buried me.
“However, as you see, I did not go to join Kurtz there and then. I did
not. I remained to dream the nightmare out to the end, and to show my
loyalty to Kurtz once more. Destiny. My destiny! Droll thing life
is—that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose.
The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself—that comes
too late—a crop of unextinguishable regrets. I have wrestled with
death. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes
place in an impalpable greyness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing
around, without spectators, without clamour, without glory, without the
great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly
atmosphere of tepid scepticism, without much belief in your own right,
and still less in that of your adversary. If such is the form of
ultimate wisdom, then life is a greater riddle than some of us think it
to be. I was within a hair’s breadth of the last opportunity for
pronouncement, and I found with humiliation that probably I would have
nothing to say. This is the reason why I affirm that Kurtz was a
remarkable man. He had something to say. He said it. Since I had peeped
over the edge myself, I understand better the meaning of his stare,
that could not see the flame of the candle, but was wide enough to
embrace the whole universe, piercing enough to penetrate all the hearts
that beat in the darkness. He had summed up—he had judged. ‘The
horror!’ He was a remarkable man. After all, this was the expression of
some sort of belief; it had candour, it had conviction, it had a
vibrating note of revolt in its whisper, it had the appalling face of a
glimpsed truth—the strange commingling of desire and hate. And it is
not my own extremity I remember best—a vision of greyness without form
filled with physical pain, and a careless contempt for the evanescence
of all things—even of this pain itself. No! It is his extremity that I
seem to have lived through. True, he had made that last stride, he had
stepped over the edge, while I had been permitted to draw back my
hesitating foot. And perhaps in this is the whole difference; perhaps
all the wisdom, and all truth, and all sincerity, are just compressed
into that inappreciable moment of time in which we step over the
threshold of the invisible. Perhaps! I like to think my summing-up
would not have been a word of careless contempt. Better his cry—much
better. It was an affirmation, a moral victory paid for by innumerable
defeats, by abominable terrors, by abominable satisfactions. But it was
a victory! That is why I have remained loyal to Kurtz to the last, and
even beyond, when a long time after I heard once more, not his own
voice, but the echo of his magnificent eloquence thrown to me from a
soul as translucently pure as a cliff of crystal.
“No, they did not bury me, though there is a period of time which I
remember mistily, with a shuddering wonder, like a passage through some
inconceivable world that had no hope in it and no desire. I found
myself back in the sepulchral city resenting the sight of people
hurrying through the streets to filch a little money from each other,
to devour their infamous cookery, to gulp their unwholesome beer, to
dream their insignificant and silly dreams. They trespassed upon my
thoughts. They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an
irritating pretence, because I felt so sure they could not possibly
know the things I knew. Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of
commonplace individuals going about their business in the assurance of
perfect safety, was offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of
folly in the face of a danger it is unable to comprehend. I had no
particular desire to enlighten them, but I had some difficulty in
restraining myself from laughing in their faces so full of stupid
importance. I daresay I was not very well at that time. I tottered
about the streets—there were various affairs to settle—grinning
bitterly at perfectly respectable persons. I admit my behaviour was
inexcusable, but then my temperature was seldom normal in these days.
My dear aunt’s endeavours to ‘nurse up my strength’ seemed altogether
beside the mark. It was not my strength that wanted nursing, it was my
imagination that wanted soothing. I kept the bundle of papers given me
by Kurtz, not knowing exactly what to do with it. His mother had died
lately, watched over, as I was told, by his Intended. A clean-shaved
man, with an official manner and wearing gold-rimmed spectacles, called
on me one day and made inquiries, at first circuitous, afterwards
suavely pressing, about what he was pleased to denominate certain
‘documents.’ I was not surprised, because I had had two rows with the
manager on the subject out there. I had refused to give up the smallest
scrap out of that package, and I took the same attitude with the
spectacled man. He became darkly menacing at last, and with much heat
argued that the Company had the right to every bit of information about
its ‘territories.’ And said he, ‘Mr. Kurtz’s knowledge of unexplored
regions must have been necessarily extensive and peculiar—owing to his
great abilities and to the deplorable circumstances in which he had
been placed: therefore—’ I assured him Mr. Kurtz’s knowledge, however
extensive, did not bear upon the problems of commerce or
administration. He invoked then the name of science. ‘It would be an
incalculable loss if,’ etc., etc. I offered him the report on the
‘Suppression of Savage Customs,’ with the postscriptum torn off. He
took it up eagerly, but ended by sniffing at it with an air of
contempt. ‘This is not what we had a right to expect,’ he remarked.
‘Expect nothing else,’ I said. ‘There are only private letters.’ He
withdrew upon some threat of legal proceedings, and I saw him no more;
but another fellow, calling himself Kurtz’s cousin, appeared two days
later, and was anxious to hear all the details about his dear
relative’s last moments. Incidentally he gave me to understand that
Kurtz had been essentially a great musician. ‘There was the making of
an immense success,’ said the man, who was an organist, I believe, with
lank grey hair flowing over a greasy coat-collar. I had no reason to
doubt his statement; and to this day I am unable to say what was
Kurtz’s profession, whether he ever had any—which was the greatest of
his talents. I had taken him for a painter who wrote for the papers, or
else for a journalist who could paint—but even the cousin (who took
snuff during the interview) could not tell me what he had been—exactly.
He was a universal genius—on that point I agreed with the old chap, who
thereupon blew his nose noisily into a large cotton handkerchief and
withdrew in senile agitation, bearing off some family letters and
memoranda without importance. Ultimately a journalist anxious to know
something of the fate of his ‘dear colleague’ turned up. This visitor
informed me Kurtz’s proper sphere ought to have been politics ‘on the
popular side.’ He had furry straight eyebrows, bristly hair cropped
short, an eyeglass on a broad ribbon, and, becoming expansive,
confessed his opinion that Kurtz really couldn’t write a bit—‘but
heavens! how that man could talk. He electrified large meetings. He had
faith—don’t you see?—he had the faith. He could get himself to believe
anything—anything. He would have been a splendid leader of an extreme
party.’ ‘What party?’ I asked. ‘Any party,’ answered the other. ‘He was
an—an—extremist.’ Did I not think so? I assented. Did I know, he asked,
with a sudden flash of curiosity, ‘what it was that had induced him to
go out there?’ ‘Yes,’ said I, and forthwith handed him the famous
Report for publication, if he thought fit. He glanced through it
hurriedly, mumbling all the time, judged ‘it would do,’ and took
himself off with this plunder.
“Thus I was left at last with a slim packet of letters and the girl’s
portrait. She struck me as beautiful—I mean she had a beautiful
expression. I know that the sunlight can be made to lie, too, yet one
felt that no manipulation of light and pose could have conveyed the
delicate shade of truthfulness upon those features. She seemed ready to
listen without mental reservation, without suspicion, without a thought
for herself. I concluded I would go and give her back her portrait and
those letters myself. Curiosity? Yes; and also some other feeling
perhaps. All that had been Kurtz’s had passed out of my hands: his
soul, his body, his station, his plans, his ivory, his career. There
remained only his memory and his Intended—and I wanted to give that up,
too, to the past, in a way—to surrender personally all that remained of
him with me to that oblivion which is the last word of our common fate.
I don’t defend myself. I had no clear perception of what it was I
really wanted. Perhaps it was an impulse of unconscious loyalty, or the
fulfilment of one of those ironic necessities that lurk in the facts of
human existence. I don’t know. I can’t tell. But I went.
“I thought his memory was like the other memories of the dead that
accumulate in every man’s life—a vague impress on the brain of shadows
that had fallen on it in their swift and final passage; but before the
high and ponderous door, between the tall houses of a street as still
and decorous as a well-kept alley in a cemetery, I had a vision of him
on the stretcher, opening his mouth voraciously, as if to devour all
the earth with all its mankind. He lived then before me; he lived as
much as he had ever lived—a shadow insatiable of splendid appearances,
of frightful realities; a shadow darker than the shadow of the night,
and draped nobly in the folds of a gorgeous eloquence. The vision
seemed to enter the house with me—the stretcher, the phantom-bearers,
the wild crowd of obedient worshippers, the gloom of the forests, the
glitter of the reach between the murky bends, the beat of the drum,
regular and muffled like the beating of a heart—the heart of a
conquering darkness. It was a moment of triumph for the wilderness, an
invading and vengeful rush which, it seemed to me, I would have to keep
back alone for the salvation of another soul. And the memory of what I
had heard him say afar there, with the horned shapes stirring at my
back, in the glow of fires, within the patient woods, those broken
phrases came back to me, were heard again in their ominous and
terrifying simplicity. I remembered his abject pleading, his abject
threats, the colossal scale of his vile desires, the meanness, the
torment, the tempestuous anguish of his soul. And later on I seemed to
see his collected languid manner, when he said one day, ‘This lot of
ivory now is really mine. The Company did not pay for it. I collected
it myself at a very great personal risk. I am afraid they will try to
claim it as theirs though. H’m. It is a difficult case. What do you
think I ought to do—resist? Eh? I want no more than justice.’... He
wanted no more than justice—no more than justice. I rang the bell
before a mahogany door on the first floor, and while I waited he seemed
to stare at me out of the glassy panel—stare with that wide and immense
stare embracing, condemning, loathing all the universe. I seemed to
hear the whispered cry, “The horror! The horror!”
“The dusk was falling. I had to wait in a lofty drawing-room with three
long windows from floor to ceiling that were like three luminous and
bedraped columns. The bent gilt legs and backs of the furniture shone
in indistinct curves. The tall marble fireplace had a cold and
monumental whiteness. A grand piano stood massively in a corner; with
dark gleams on the flat surfaces like a sombre and polished
sarcophagus. A high door opened—closed. I rose.
“She came forward, all in black, with a pale head, floating towards me
in the dusk. She was in mourning. It was more than a year since his
death, more than a year since the news came; she seemed as though she
would remember and mourn forever. She took both my hands in hers and
murmured, ‘I had heard you were coming.’ I noticed she was not very
young—I mean not girlish. She had a mature capacity for fidelity, for
belief, for suffering. The room seemed to have grown darker, as if all
the sad light of the cloudy evening had taken refuge on her forehead.
This fair hair, this pale visage, this pure brow, seemed surrounded by
an ashy halo from which the dark eyes looked out at me. Their glance
was guileless, profound, confident, and trustful. She carried her
sorrowful head as though she were proud of that sorrow, as though she
would say, ‘I—I alone know how to mourn for him as he deserves.’ But
while we were still shaking hands, such a look of awful desolation came
upon her face that I perceived she was one of those creatures that are
not the playthings of Time. For her he had died only yesterday. And, by
Jove! the impression was so powerful that for me, too, he seemed to
have died only yesterday—nay, this very minute. I saw her and him in
the same instant of time—his death and her sorrow—I saw her sorrow in
the very moment of his death. Do you understand? I saw them together—I
heard them together. She had said, with a deep catch of the breath, ‘I
have survived’ while my strained ears seemed to hear distinctly,
mingled with her tone of despairing regret, the summing up whisper of
his eternal condemnation. I asked myself what I was doing there, with a
sensation of panic in my heart as though I had blundered into a place
of cruel and absurd mysteries not fit for a human being to behold. She
motioned me to a chair. We sat down. I laid the packet gently on the
little table, and she put her hand over it.... ‘You knew him well,’ she
murmured, after a moment of mourning silence.
“‘Intimacy grows quickly out there,’ I said. ‘I knew him as well as it
is possible for one man to know another.’
“‘And you admired him,’ she said. ‘It was impossible to know him and
not to admire him. Was it?’
“‘He was a remarkable man,’ I said, unsteadily. Then before the
appealing fixity of her gaze, that seemed to watch for more words on my
lips, I went on, ‘It was impossible not to—’
“‘Love him,’ she finished eagerly, silencing me into an appalled
dumbness. ‘How true! how true! But when you think that no one knew him
so well as I! I had all his noble confidence. I knew him best.’
“‘You knew him best,’ I repeated. And perhaps she did. But with every
word spoken the room was growing darker, and only her forehead, smooth
and white, remained illumined by the inextinguishable light of belief
and love.
“‘You were his friend,’ she went on. ‘His friend,’ she repeated, a
little louder. ‘You must have been, if he had given you this, and sent
you to me. I feel I can speak to you—and oh! I must speak. I want
you—you who have heard his last words—to know I have been worthy of
him.... It is not pride.... Yes! I am proud to know I understood him
better than any one on earth—he told me so himself. And since his
mother died I have had no one—no one—to—to—’
“I listened. The darkness deepened. I was not even sure whether he had
given me the right bundle. I rather suspect he wanted me to take care
of another batch of his papers which, after his death, I saw the
manager examining under the lamp. And the girl talked, easing her pain
in the certitude of my sympathy; she talked as thirsty men drink. I had
heard that her engagement with Kurtz had been disapproved by her
people. He wasn’t rich enough or something. And indeed I don’t know
whether he had not been a pauper all his life. He had given me some
reason to infer that it was his impatience of comparative poverty that
drove him out there.
“‘... Who was not his friend who had heard him speak once?’ she was
saying. ‘He drew men towards him by what was best in them.’ She looked
at me with intensity. ‘It is the gift of the great,’ she went on, and
the sound of her low voice seemed to have the accompaniment of all the
other sounds, full of mystery, desolation, and sorrow, I had ever
heard—the ripple of the river, the soughing of the trees swayed by the
wind, the murmurs of the crowds, the faint ring of incomprehensible
words cried from afar, the whisper of a voice speaking from beyond the
threshold of an eternal darkness. ‘But you have heard him! You know!’
she cried.
“‘Yes, I know,’ I said with something like despair in my heart, but
bowing my head before the faith that was in her, before that great and
saving illusion that shone with an unearthly glow in the darkness, in
the triumphant darkness from which I could not have defended her—from
which I could not even defend myself.
“‘What a loss to me—to us!’—she corrected herself with beautiful
generosity; then added in a murmur, ‘To the world.’ By the last gleams
of twilight I could see the glitter of her eyes, full of tears—of tears
that would not fall.
“‘I have been very happy—very fortunate—very proud,’ she went on. ‘Too
fortunate. Too happy for a little while. And now I am unhappy for—for
life.’
“She stood up; her fair hair seemed to catch all the remaining light in
a glimmer of gold. I rose, too.
“‘And of all this,’ she went on mournfully, ‘of all his promise, and of
all his greatness, of his generous mind, of his noble heart, nothing
remains—nothing but a memory. You and I—’
“‘We shall always remember him,’ I said hastily.
“‘No!’ she cried. ‘It is impossible that all this should be lost—that
such a life should be sacrificed to leave nothing—but sorrow. You know
what vast plans he had. I knew of them, too—I could not perhaps
understand—but others knew of them. Something must remain. His words,
at least, have not died.’
“‘His words will remain,’ I said.
“‘And his example,’ she whispered to herself. ‘Men looked up to him—his
goodness shone in every act. His example—’
“‘True,’ I said; ‘his example, too. Yes, his example. I forgot that.’
“‘But I do not. I cannot—I cannot believe—not yet. I cannot believe
that I shall never see him again, that nobody will see him again,
never, never, never.’
“She put out her arms as if after a retreating figure, stretching them
back and with clasped pale hands across the fading and narrow sheen of
the window. Never see him! I saw him clearly enough then. I shall see
this eloquent phantom as long as I live, and I shall see her, too, a
tragic and familiar Shade, resembling in this gesture another one,
tragic also, and bedecked with powerless charms, stretching bare brown
arms over the glitter of the infernal stream, the stream of darkness.
She said suddenly very low, ‘He died as he lived.’
“‘His end,’ said I, with dull anger stirring in me, ‘was in every way
worthy of his life.’
“‘And I was not with him,’ she murmured. My anger subsided before a
feeling of infinite pity.
“‘Everything that could be done—’ I mumbled.
“‘Ah, but I believed in him more than any one on earth—more than his
own mother, more than—himself. He needed me! Me! I would have treasured
every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance.’
“I felt like a chill grip on my chest. ‘Don’t,’ I said, in a muffled
voice.
“‘Forgive me. I—I have mourned so long in silence—in silence.... You
were with him—to the last? I think of his loneliness. Nobody near to
understand him as I would have understood. Perhaps no one to hear....’
“‘To the very end,’ I said, shakily. ‘I heard his very last words....’
I stopped in a fright.
“‘Repeat them,’ she murmured in a heart-broken tone. ‘I want—I
want—something—something—to—to live with.’
“I was on the point of crying at her, ‘Don’t you hear them?’ The dusk
was repeating them in a persistent whisper all around us, in a whisper
that seemed to swell menacingly like the first whisper of a rising
wind. ‘The horror! The horror!’
“‘His last word—to live with,’ she insisted. ‘Don’t you understand I
loved him—I loved him—I loved him!’
“I pulled myself together and spoke slowly.
“‘The last word he pronounced was—your name.’
“I heard a light sigh and then my heart stood still, stopped dead short
by an exulting and terrible cry, by the cry of inconceivable triumph
and of unspeakable pain. ‘I knew it—I was sure!’... She knew. She was
sure. I heard her weeping; she had hidden her face in her hands. It
seemed to me that the house would collapse before I could escape, that
the heavens would fall upon my head. But nothing happened. The heavens
do not fall for such a trifle. Would they have fallen, I wonder, if I
had rendered Kurtz that justice which was his due? Hadn’t he said he
wanted only justice? But I couldn’t. I could not tell her. It would
have been too dark—too dark altogether....”
Marlow ceased, and sat apart, indistinct and silent, in the pose of a
meditating Buddha. Nobody moved for a time. “We have lost the first of
the ebb,” said the Director suddenly. I raised my head. The offing was
barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil waterway leading to
the uttermost ends of the earth flowed sombre under an overcast
sky—seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.
Joseph Conrad — text from Project Gutenberg (eBook #219)
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